| | |
12/31/2007 OBITUARY
OBITUARY-
“HANDBALLERS NEVER DIE, BUT THEY DO REMAIN AN AVOIDABLE HINDER TO CIVILIZATION”
ATTILLA THE HUN AT HIS DEATH AWAITING THE END OF THE TIE-BREAKER BETWEEN DOC, FUZZY BOB, TOMMY LEWIS, AND FRED AT 254 T0 253 IN AD 452 AT THE 4 WALLS OF BUDAPEST. THE OUTCOME IS STILL DEBATED. JUST ASK.
1555 YEARS LATER, DEC 31, 2007 THE COURT HOUSE HANDBALL AND OTHER IRRATIONAL ACTIVITIES CENTER CLOSED FOREVER. THE OCCASION WAS MARKED BY EVENTS OF AN OMINOUS NATURE IN THE DAYS BEFORE THE END. AMONG THOSE WERE THE RECENT BONDO CHAMPIONSHIP MARKING THE END OF THE INTELLIGIBLE ERA IN HANDBALL, THE DISCOVERY THAT HOBBLE STEIN HAD NO MORE PARTS WORTH REMOVING OR REPLACING AND THE STUNNING MEDICAL REPORT DELIVERED BY DOC CURRY EVALUATING THE REST OF THE PLAYERS WHERE HE CHECKED VITALS AND FOUND NOTHING ______Q1. A WAKE TOURNAMENT WAS HELD. BELOW IS AN ACCOUNT.
SOME ATTEMPTS AT EXPLANATION FOR THE CLUBS DEMISE WERE OFFERED. DR. P.P. FOUND, IN A WILD DEPARTURE SYMBOLIC OF HIS NEW “CRAZY GUY” PERSONA, THAT RECENT “MODERATE SHRINKAGE” HAD BEEN TOO MUCH, LASTING TOO LONG, FRED OFFERED A TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE BUT NONE THE LESS UNVERIFIABLE THEORY, AND COLE MCPHERSON ROSE PHOENIX LIKE ABOVE THE FRAY WITH NO COMMENT, JUST A GASP. P. P.’S USE OF THE TERM “SHRINKAGE” FRIGHTENED EVERYONE AT EVERY LEVEL, SOME STATED THAT “LASTING TOO LONG” WAS NOT POSSIBLE, REVEALING A LEVEL OF DESPERATION AND CONFUSION. OTHERS DISAGREED, STATING ‘THEY WERE ENDOWED WITH “TOO MUCH”; A PROVOCATIVE DEVELOPMENT. DOC REFUSED TO RESOLVE THIS MATTER, CLINICALLY. PLEAS FOR VIAGRA WERE HEARD.
MILESTONES WERE REACHED, ROBO FINALLY ADMITTED THAT THE SIDE EXIT THROUGH THE GLASS IN COURT ONE WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK, AND SPIDEY SURPRISED EVERYONE BY BRINGING A BOTTLE OF BUD LITE FOR EVERYONE TO SHARE. EPIPHANIES AND GESTURES LIKE THESE WERE COMMON THOUGH LITTLE UNDERSTOOD BY THE BOYS FROM BUTTE. FERRITER AND BOYLE PROMISED TO FIND EPIPHANY BUT THOUGHT SHE MIGHT HAVE MOVED TO VEGAS UNDER A NEW NAME, “SURPRISE”. EVERYONE GAVE THE BUTTE GESTURE TO THEM.
PEOPLE WERE AFFECTED IN VARIOUS WAYS, FOR EXAMPLE, CHINSKE CRASHED TO THE FLOOR UNEXPECTEDLY BUT WAS QUICKLY REVIVED WITH A SIP OF TYRCONNELL BEFORE POETRY BROKE OUT. O’DONNELL WAS VISIBLY SHAKEN, ROGERS SPEWED OUT HIS USUAL COMPLIMENTS FROM HIS LOUNGE CHAIR IN COURT 2 AT THOSE WHO HIT EASY SHOTS BY HIM. FINALLY OUR COMMISSIONER, JAMISON, SET THE PAIRINGS SO THAT NO ONE EVENTUALLY WON THE LAST TITLE AT THE CLUB. THIS PREVENTED MORE SHOCKS FOR THE SENSITIVE AMONG US. CHAOS IS COMFORTING BY COMPARISON TO HEARING ABOUT ANOTHER BONDO VICTORY FOR ETERNITY.
THE YOUNG GUNS, MIKE, ANDY, SKY AND BRIAN WERE MOVED TO SILENCE WHEN ASKED WHICH OF THE OLD MEN SHOULD BE GIVEN THE STICKY GLOVE MENTORING AWARD. IT WAS DETERMINED THAT KINSELLA, LODGE, FUZZY BOB AND WALLY EACH DESERVED THE FINGER---YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT REPRESENTS THEIR “SPECIAL” SHOTS BEST, Q WAS GIVEN THE THUMB FOR OBVIOUS REASONS GIVEN HIS FIST SHOT. THE FINGERLESS GLOVE WAS GIVEN TO CREIGHTON TO PRESENT TO THE MOST WORTHY BUT HE QUICKLY SAW THE CHANCE FOR ENTERTAINMENT. HE TOSSED IT IN THE HOT TUB SINCE HE DEEMED DEREK, SCHMIDT, HOLMAN AND COOLEY TOO YOUNG OR UNORTHODOX TO BE MENTORS AND RICKY AND ROSS WERE OF INDETERMINATE AGE BUT LIKELY TOO BUSY TO COUNT FOR MUCH OF THE BLAME. THEY WERE ALL LAST SEEN IN THE HOT TUB, DIVING FOR THE GLOVE REMAINS. IT WAS NOTED THAT NONE OF THE ABOVE HAD VISIBLE SCARS FROM SURGERY TO GET RECOGNIZED FOR WEAR AND TEAR POINTS. THE TERMS “UNORTHODOX” AND “BUSY” HAD TO BE EXPLAINED TO MANY AT THE WAKE. THE TERMS “WEIRD” AND “EMPLOYED” WORKED VERY WELL TO GET THESE CONCEPTS ACROSS TO THE GROUP.
TOM LEWIS AND JOE TOPEL WHERE GIVEN POINTS FOR RECENT SCARING BUT ALL THAT CAME TO NOTHING SINCE THE SCARS WERE INVISIBLE DUE TO EXCESSIVE KNEE, LEG AND BODY PADDING AND STRUCTURAL SUPPORT ATTACHMENTS. THEY JUST MUMBLED ON ABOUT KNEE PAD OPTIONS AND STYLE ISSUES WHILE THE ENERGETIC MR. WICKS DEMONSTRATED INVERTED SLIDING MOVES TO MOE, KIRK AND MONTY. THEY OBSERVED THAT THEIR SLIDE COACH, ROBO, NEVER ACTUALLY SLID, HE JUST LEAPT AND SPLATTERED. THEY HAD ALWAYS WONDERED WHY WHAT THEY HAD BEEN TAUGHT NEVER WORKED. THANKS WERE GIVEN TO LENNY FROM EVERYONE FOR ENDING THEIR NIGHTMARE. WE CARE.
RED AND WHITE DEATH WERE GRIEVED BUT RECOMMENDED FOR COUNSELING POST MORTEM. THIS WAY THEY COULD PROVIDE FODDER FOR SULLY, CRANKY/CLEVER KARNAK, WITHOUT ANYONE HAVING TO ACTUALLY PLAY THEM IN THE HEREAFTER.
“WHAT ARE TWO THINGS FRED NEVER LISTENS TO?”______, _______ Q2
IT SEEMED LIKE THE UNIVERSITY IS OUR FUTURE HOME WITH MANY THANKS TO EMMONS, LARRY WHITE AND FRITZ FOR DEVELOPING A COURSE ENTITLED HB 100- BEGINNING DOOR OPENING (IN, 1ST SEMESTER, OUT 2ND) AND COMPARATIVE BALL DROPPING ANALYSIS. (ONE CREDIT WITH A “DON’T ASK, CAN’T FAIL” GRADE POLICY). CALLAGHAN AND KINGER FOUND THIS USE OF A MSU GRADE POLICY FAMILIAR AND PURRED SAYING IN UNISON, “GO GRRRATS”. THEIR DRINKS WERE TAKEN FROM THEM AT THAT POINT TO AVOID FURTHER CONFUSED OUTBURSTS. WE ONLY CARE SO MUCH.
MANY THANKS WERE GIVEN TO STEVE MAIER AND PAOLI FOR ATTEMPTING TO SAVE THE CLUB. WE KNOW THAT THEIR PLANS FACED THE TERROR TERMINAL TO ALL INVESTORS AND STAND UP GUYS EVERYWHERE; “MODERATE SHRINKAGE”.
THE WAKE MARKED THE END OF AN ERA. EVERYTHING ENDED AS USUAL. EVERYONE LEFT THE COURTS CONFUSED AND NEEDING A DRINK.
REMEMBER THE HANDBALLERS MANTRA “THE MORE YOU’VE PLAYED, THE BETTER YOU WERE”. IF YOU CAN’T REMEMBER IT (LIKELY IN SOME CASES), EPIPHANY “SURPRISE” HAS IT TATTOOED ON HER SOMEWHERE. TOM SULLIVAN MIGHT KNOW WHERE. PEEPS, JONESY, THE SEANS, JARED, MORIN AND RAMOS ARE INVESTIGATING AT UNDISCLOSED LOCATIONS. MAINWARING COULDN’T BE ACCOUNTED FOR OR EXPLAINED AWAY EVEN BY FAST TALKING JOE BROOKE OR GEOFF CARLSON. IF YOU HAVE TIME TO BURN, AS A LAST RESORT YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK_____?Q3., BUT REMEMBER ATTILA THE HUN’S FATE WHEN YOU DO.
SUBMITTED TO A GREAT GROUP WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOURS TRULY, O’DONNELL
Q1, VITAL/WORKING/WORTH DONATING, Q2, RAP MUSIC AND COMMON SENSE, Q3 FRED
DSGO'D
|
|
|
